People come and go from our lives. It’s those people who shape us, mold us and help us to define our selves. Some are good influences and some are bad or indifferent. Positive or negative their footprint is forever etched in our souls.
I want to thank those people in my life that have shown me love and kindness because in that they taught me to love others more then myself. I want to thank those who have used my kindness for there own purposes because they taught me to be wary. I want to thank those who have come to my aid both emotionally and physically for they have taught me the satisfaction of serving others. I want to thank those who have lied to me because they have taught me to seek truth in all things. I want to thank those in my life who have sold me short because they only made me more determined to show them they are wrong. I want to thank those who have touched my heart on any level because it reassures me I am capable of love and empathy. I want to thank those who have hurt me because in the end I came out stronger then before.
To all of you I pray God touches your lives and continues to bless you. I love you all.
“There’s a hallway in my heart and mind and I walk there from time to time. Revisiting footprints etched deep in my soul. Some of the memories are brief. Filled with love , sorrow and grief. Others linger on. I find myself thinking back to the point of losing track of the things I am grateful for in my life. I thank all who have walked the halls in my heart and may a tiny little part of my love remain with you today. This you may not know, but it’s your influence that’s helped me grow into the woman I am today. ”
Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8
It’s Wednesday. I am having one of my more manic days.I get frustrated when it feelslike I take two steps forward and then three steps back. Somethings are out of our control. Lifting them up for God seems relatively easy in theory but in practice it’s hard. Why is that? It’s hard to admit when things are out of your control and you need help. It’s easier to shoulder all of your anxieties, fears, frustrations all on your own. It’s what most of us do. If you are like me then you can be a powder keg waiting to explode, With every little stress and burden the powder becomes unstable and ready to explode at any time. Once it gets like that the tiniest sparks can set it off. I have been known to get mad and worked up over stuff and the truth is something else is really at the heart of my anger or sadness.
How do you cope? I am a black belt. An out of shape black belt but still skilled and well taught. I would give anything to train again like I use to train. I coped with life much better then. I miss being able to pound out my worries and frustrations on a heavy bag or in a sparring class. I miss the release it gave me. Yes I can train on my own and I do some but it’s not the same. Finances and a medical condition make it hard to go back.
So much is out of my hands in life. It is eating at me that I have to depend on outside elements for day to day sustenance .By that I am speaking metaphorically. I feel like a caged animal pacing back and forth wanting release even though the cage has been home for quite a while. I do pray to God and he knows my plight and challenges. I want an opportunity to break free of my cage and be free to build my own happy future with God’s guidance, I need this for me. I sit and spin my wheels not knowing where to start. Prayer is all I got, It is hard to be faithful Christian and not get lost in the poor poor me syndrome.
I find it hard to have serenity. I have read and reread this poem/ prayer so many times. It helps sooth the inner pain I tend to put my self through.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Sundays I spend time with my kids. It is a time for worship and Christian fellowship with our church family. May your Sunday be equally blessed. Let your Joyful Noise be heard. Lift up your voices and sing His praise!
” I think I am going to pass out” is the thought I remember saying in my head. I was sitting at my computer chatting to friends in one of the online communities I frequent when the oddest and scariest sensation comes over me.
While sitting there my head felt very odd and my whole right side of my body went limp. My right eye also got very foggy. It was like looking through a cloud. I instantly knew in my heart what was happening to me. I was also in disbelief. I am a 45 year old non smoker who is only a little bit over weight and I was having a stroke. Today’s blog may be a personal indulgence. This is the first time I have sat and put it all into words. I feel the need to share this story for my benefit and for those women out there who think ” that could never happen to me.”
I knew intellectually that these are stroke symptoms. The fact it was all going on down my right side sent up a big red flag. I didn’t want to accept that this is serious. I was talking and coherent but I felt faint and weak. My right arm and right leg didn’t feel right and my head had an odd sensation. I sat there thinking I was going to pass out any second. I didn’t end up doing that but I came pretty close. I am thankful I was sitting as it happened or else it could have been worse.
Over the course of an hour or so some of my symptoms began to pass. I talked to family and friends who all said go to ER. I sat there listing all the reasons it wasn’t necessary for me to go to the ER. I kept telling myself that this is passing and no need to be checked out. I got up finally and checked my eyes. The pupils were wide then I checked a few minutes later and I could barely even see the pupil because it was so small. I trained in tae kwon do for most of my twenties and I have received many blows to the head. I had never in all my years seen my eyes look like that before. It terrified me.
All my dumb reasons for not going to ER disappeared in an instant. I began to weep and pray. I believe God was looking out for me that day and talking to me in a way he knew would get my attention to go and seek medical help.
God wasn’t done looking out for me though. As I got to the hospital ( yes I drove myself there…and freaked everyone out) I ran into a lady from my church family. She is a local police officer and was taking information down for an accident report. She asked what was wrong as I was walking into ER. God was looking out for me. As she heard my suspicion as to what was going on she asked ” are you alone? ” I told her yes no one was here with me. She told me” we can’t have you here alone like that. When I get done here I will be right in to be with you till your family can get here.”
I was immediately rushed back to a CT scan and all I could think of was I didn’t want my kids to be without mother. I was terrified that this was only the beginning and that I may go into a massive stroke and I have no control over that.My father’s stroke happened after he was in the hospital. He had gone limp and passed out but like me he was coherent. He had a full fledged stroke the next day while in the hospital.He was in his early 70’s though and I was no where near that age.
When the CT was finished I was wheeled to a room in ER there she was waiting for me. She called the church and asked our associate minister if she could come sit with me. God made sure I had family around to keep me calm. I have never in my life felt so much grace and love as I did that day. It was there in ER I gave over control to God. For the remainder of my hospital stay I was calm and relaxed, ( except when I had my MRI ). I knew that day no matter what the out come God was with me the whole way.
My diagnosis was I had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) also known as a mini-stroke. If you’d like to know about TIAs I found WebMD to be very helpful. www.webmd.com