I have put lots of thought into this blog and none at all. The main theme of my blog is just about me and what I am feeling and thinking as I seek to find my purpose in this world. Sounds heavy but it’s true. I think in many ways I have been lost my whole life. No focus, no guidance, no compass.
If you ask me to truly tell you what it is I wanted to do in my life, what was my true passion I could not honestly tell you. I have never had a true passion in the world beyond my kids and their well-being. Before kids I had no focus. I still have no focus. I was supposed to go to college and become something. What was I supposed to become? I have no idea. I was raised in two worlds more of less. I never knew which one I belonged in. My parents were older parents. The World War II generation. They had kids late in life so my parents were the same age as most of my friends grandparents. I had an opportunity to got o college. They had a nest egg for my sister and I to use for college and we were blessed with a benefit that paid our college as well. So mom and dad were insistent we take advantage of what we were given.
I had no idea what my passion was in life. I was and still am numb on that aspect in my life. I didn’t want to teach really and I didn’t have to aptitude to be a doctor or lawyer or accountant. I was creative with zero outlet. An ADD child before teachers were educated in what ADD was and how theses learners could be helped and nurtured. I know in my heart that this is why when ever I looked to my future and college I had a fuzzy perspective on what it was I wanted and how I was supposed to set and meet a goal.
I started out this bog saying I had planned and not planned this blog. If I seem all over the map with emotion , frustration and focus it is because at this moment I am writing from my heart and my head. Airing my confusion and frustration.
While I do take responsibility for my mistakes, shortcomings, and lapses in judgement I can’t help but also mention that ADD has played a part in my life and has had negative effects. I have not officially been diagnosed with ADD but both my kids have and I went through extensive testing with both and as I answered the questioner in the psychologists office I could have easily been answering questions about me.
I am not sure what direction I intended for the article to take but it ends up in part being about my struggle with ADD. Not all schools of thought separate ADD from ADHD. My children’s psychologist makes this distinction. ADD kids have a hard time staying on task and focused. They often score lower on tests and are often much more intelligent than traditional testing will show. They spend time angry and frustrated because they know they are as smart as the other kids deemed “top of the class”. ADD kids know they are often short-changed by a system designed for the masses and not people with learning issues. Unlike ADHD kids, ADD kids are sometimes hyperactive but it’s mostly the brain that is going at full throttle and racing all over the place.
What is it like in an ADD brain? We get excited and we blurt things out. The impulse is hard to control. Some say it’s rude but in my case it is never meant rudely. When let got to talk we go on and on changing thoughts many times. We get off track easily. Organization overwhelms us and we don’t know where to start when things are let to go completely out of control. Living in order is best for those of us with ADD but creating the order to live in is nearly impossible. It’s easier for others to create it for us and just follow along.
My kids are fortunate. The public schools today are better equipped to deal with learning disabilities. They are trained to recognize them and nurture them so the child can achieve. In my day teachers never took the time. We were written-off as lazy. Under achievers. In my school history never once was the question asked ” why isn’t she performing better? ” “Is there an other issue causing this under achievement? ”
I was college bound regardless. At the end of my Junior year of high school I scheduled an appointment to see my guidance counselor. I wanted to go over things and make sure by the end of my senior year I had taken all the course work I needed for college. I had my older sister and her fiance’ guiding me about what I needed to take so I was in good shape but still needed to talk to my counselor. I went into the appointment and he asked why i was there. I told him I want to go over my transcript and make sure all is in order for me to go to college. Before he could catch himself the words stumbled out of his mouth ” you’re going to college? “. I am not sure if he was in shock or he realized he let a college bound kid slip through the cracks. Either way he knew he as my counselor had not done his part. I was indignant at the question and for once stood up for myself in a respectful way. I looked him in the eye and informed him I had taken my SAT and been accepted to the state college already based on my score. I looked him in the eye and told him I had my college grant money already in place. I made sure he knew he had messed up where I was concerned but I had taken care of things on my own . I wasn’t allowed to be in honors english because I was not recommended by my teachers due to my grades. The kids taking honors classes were the only ones slated as ” going to college”.
Again I say my kids are lucky that times have changed. My oldest is being groomed for college and career by her counselors and the special education department slated to work with her educational needs. God gives us what we can handle. I have used my bad experience in school to my advantage. I have been an advocate for my kids so they don’t slip through the cracks.
I have not made a career for myself but I managed to prove all the naysayers wrong. Yes I struggled through college. Yes I have not done anything with my degree. What I did was rise above it all. I pushed past the deficiencies in my education and stuck with things till I had a degree in something. Not an associate degree but a bachelor’s degree. That shocked counselor? I wish he had some understanding of my mental struggles in school. I wish he had a clue that I managed to do it despite the lack of guidance he gave me.
ADD has had a negative impact on my life on every aspect. Friendships relationships employment. I am not making excuses for my wrong doings in life but I know ADD has had a contributing influence on my bad decision-making. God has given me many blessings. Writing this blog is one of them. Through writing I seek to deal with life and move forward. I quit writing years ago. I use to take out pen and paper and just write when I was upset or dealing with a struggle of some sort. I never realized then that writing was my calling. I did not realize it was my calling while I was in college. It has only these past few months that I have found my direction and my voice.
I have prayed for the last seven years for God to lead me where He wants me to go. He has led me on as slow journey to my first destination. I see it in sight and I know I am nearly there, but I also feel that it is only stage one. Once I find my footing I know He will be leading me further.
God gives us what we can handle. God knows us better than we know ourselves. Trusting in Him and letting go and letting Him take the lead is hard but when you do….as Dr Seuss once said ” Oh the places you will go “.