Finding strength to move forward when stumbling blocks get in your way.

Posts tagged ‘God’

Processing Life


I haven’t blogged in a bit because to tell the truth I have had a hard time processing life around me lately. Like most Americans the events of Boston and of West have weighed heavily on my mind. That week was a stressful week for me then the world around me became stressful as well.

How do you deal when the world around you goes haywire? I tend to react and do what has to be done and then fall apart later. I do turn to prayer to aid me in staying calm and focused. God is so much wiser then we will ever be and He never gives us a burden we can’t handle. He asks of us to rise up and meet the challenges life throws at us. He never expects us to do it alone though. He always helps us to process and deal with adversity , tragedy and illness.

As I think about all those who were caught up in the events of Boston and West I know God did not cause these events but He is forever there to help us in the aftermath. So many things in life are not fair because life isn’t fair and never was and never will be. Yes bad things do happen to good people but God isn’t vengeful and he does not cause tragedy as a form of punishment. God is and will forever be a God of grace freely given.

We all became citizens of Boston and West last week. Our hearts ached for the families and children. We soared with pride for those who made the ultimate sacrifice to help others. We appreciate their sacrifice. We grieve for the families and seek ways to help. I have never been prouder to be an Americana and a Texan last week.

 

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Baby Steps


 

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Spring is here and yes it is a time for promises fulfilled and new adventures. I have mentioned before I have spent a lot of my life lately shutting myself off from the real world. Stuck my head in the sand and chose not to deal. No more!

Life is truly an adventure and I am seeking to find the fun in things again and let my self shine in what ever way it manifests itself. I am volunteering more. I am going to the gym in order to keep myself healthy. I am turning off the computer more and tuning into what my kids are doing.  I can’t get back the time I squandered away but I can begin making new more positive memories.

I am ashamed it took me so long to wake up to what is real and what is now and what will never be again .  God has been working through me because I feel it in my very soul. It has been me who was resistant to it all. It has been a back and forth struggle with God’s calling and my willingness to answer.  God has never given up on me. If He had the internal struggle I felt within myself would no longer be there. It is still there . As I feel myself taking baby steps in the right direction the tension within loosens just a little. It’s like a weight being slowly lifted off of my shoulders.

I have stated before I feel my self being led down a path. I feel God laying out baby steps for me to follow. I believe He will slowly reveal where He is leading me. I know writing is one area I am being lead. I know He is calling me to find my purpose and this is how He is revealing it to me.

I am candid about my own personal struggle because I know I am not the only one with this internal turmoil. I hope by sharing my journey others will realize they are not alone. I find strength from the beautiful words written by other Christian bloggers . Their words of encouragement are priceless.

If you are like me and beginning a journey of faith  I pray you begin to feel peace within . I pray the waters of turmoil calm and your adventure begins. God’s love is truly amazing .

 

Inspite of it all…..


I have put lots of thought into this blog and none at all. The main theme of my blog is just about me and what  I am  feeling and thinking as I  seek to find my purpose in this world. Sounds heavy but it’s true. I think in many ways I have been lost my whole life. No focus, no guidance, no compass.

If you ask me to truly tell you what it is I wanted to do in my life, what was my true passion I could not honestly tell you. I have never had a true passion in the world beyond my kids and their well-being. Before kids I had no focus. I still have no focus. I was supposed to go to college and become something. What was I supposed to become? I have no idea. I was raised in two worlds more of less. I never knew which one I belonged in. My parents were older parents. The World War II generation. They had kids late in life so my parents were the same age as most of my friends grandparents.  I had an opportunity to got o college. They had a nest egg for my sister and I to use for college and we were blessed with a  benefit that paid our college as well. So mom and dad were insistent we take advantage of what we were given.

I had no idea what my passion was in life. I was and still am numb on that aspect in my life. I didn’t want to teach really and I didn’t have to aptitude to be a doctor or lawyer or accountant. I was creative with zero outlet. An ADD child before  teachers were educated in what ADD was and how theses learners could be helped and nurtured. I know in my heart that this is why when ever I looked to my future and college I had a  fuzzy perspective on what it was I wanted and how I was supposed to set and meet a goal.

I started out this bog saying I had planned and not planned this blog. If I seem all over the map with emotion , frustration and focus it is because at this moment I am writing from my heart and my head. Airing my confusion and frustration.

While I do take responsibility for my mistakes, shortcomings,  and lapses in judgement I can’t help but also mention that ADD has played a part in my life and has had negative effects.  I have not officially been diagnosed with ADD but both my kids have and I went through extensive testing with both and as I answered the questioner in the psychologists office I could have easily been answering questions about me.

I am not sure what direction I intended for the article to take but it ends up in part being about my struggle with ADD.  Not all schools of thought separate ADD from ADHD. My children’s psychologist makes this distinction. ADD kids have a hard time staying on task and focused. They often score lower on tests and are often much more intelligent than traditional testing will show. They spend time angry and frustrated because they know they are as smart as the other kids deemed “top of the class”.  ADD kids know they are often short-changed by a system designed for the masses and not people with learning issues. Unlike ADHD kids, ADD kids are sometimes hyperactive but it’s mostly the brain that is going at full throttle and racing all over the place.

What is it like in an ADD brain? We get excited and we blurt things out. The impulse is hard to control. Some say it’s rude but in my case it is never meant  rudely. When let got to talk we go on and on changing thoughts many times. We get off track easily. Organization overwhelms us and we don’t know where to start when things are let to go completely out of control. Living in order is best for those of us with ADD but creating the order to live in is nearly impossible. It’s easier for others to create it for us and just follow along.

My kids are fortunate. The public schools today are better equipped to deal with learning disabilities. They are trained to recognize them and nurture them so the child can achieve. In my day teachers never took the time. We were written-off as lazy.  Under achievers.  In my school history never once was the question asked ” why isn’t she performing better? ” “Is there an other issue causing this under achievement? ”

I was college bound regardless.  At the end of my Junior year of high school I scheduled an appointment to see my guidance counselor. I wanted to go over things and make sure by the end of my senior year I had taken all the course work I needed for college. I had my older sister and her fiance’ guiding me about what I needed to take so I was in good shape but still needed to talk to my counselor. I went into the appointment and he asked why i was there. I told him I want to go over my  transcript and make sure all is in order for me to go to college. Before he could catch himself the words stumbled out of his mouth ” you’re going to college? “. I am not sure if he was in shock or he realized he let a college bound kid slip through the cracks. Either way he knew he as my counselor had not done his part. I was indignant at the question and for once stood up for myself in a respectful way. I looked him in the eye and informed him I had taken my SAT and been accepted to the state college already based on my score. I looked him in the eye and told him I had my college grant money already in place. I made sure he knew he had messed up where I was concerned but I had taken care of things on my own . I wasn’t allowed to be in honors english because I was not recommended by my teachers due to my grades. The kids taking honors classes were the only ones slated as ” going to college”.

Again I say my kids are lucky that times have changed.  My oldest is being groomed for college and career by her counselors and the special education department slated to work with her educational needs. God gives us what we can handle. I have used my bad experience in school to my advantage. I have been an advocate for my kids so they don’t slip through the cracks.

I have not made a career for myself but I managed to prove all the naysayers wrong.  Yes I struggled through college.  Yes I have not done anything with my degree. What I did was rise above it all. I pushed past the deficiencies in my education and stuck with things till I had a  degree in something. Not an associate degree but a bachelor’s degree. That shocked counselor? I wish he had some understanding of my mental struggles in school. I wish he had a clue that I managed to do it despite the lack of guidance he gave me.

ADD has had a negative impact on my life on every aspect. Friendships relationships employment.  I am not making excuses for my wrong doings in life but I know ADD has had a contributing influence on my bad decision-making.  God has given me many blessings. Writing this blog is one of them. Through writing I seek to deal with life and move forward. I quit writing years ago. I use to take out pen and paper and just write when I was upset or dealing with a struggle of some sort. I never realized then that writing was my calling.  I did not realize it was my calling while I was in college. It has only these past few months that I have found my direction and my voice.

I have prayed for the last seven years for God to lead me where He wants me to go. He has led me on as slow journey to my first destination. I see it in sight and I know I am nearly there, but I also feel that it is only stage one. Once  I find my footing I know He will be leading me further.

God gives us what we can handle. God knows us better than we know ourselves. Trusting in Him and letting go and letting Him take the lead is hard but when you do….as Dr Seuss once said ” Oh the places you will go “.

Hurry up Spring!!!


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It’s an other blah kind of day. Our weather is very deceiving. So pretty and sunny out, then you step outside and the air has a sharp bite to it. Hurry Spring!!!!  Even my Bradford pear tree thinks it’s spring, The beautiful blooms are beginning to show.

I love Spring. In Texas our springs tend to average in the 80’s but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We Texans joke that we have two seasons in Texas..Summer and Winter. My favorite thing about spring here is the wildflowers that are in bloom. Thanks to Ladybird Johnson we have some of the most beautiful highways in the spring.

I am totally in love with Texas Bluebonnets I get a rush of joy and giddiness when I see a pretty patch of them growing along the highway . I can’t help but smile and appreciate them because they only bloom for a short while. One of God’s many wonders…wildflowers.

This may sound simplistic or corny even but I don’t care. I think wildflowers are like God’s love. They are all around us and at times they are more visible but always there.

Spring time is a time of renewal. A time for things to find new life and be resurrected to fulfill a meaningful purpose. New beginnings. I love Spring. Praise God for all the beauty in the world. When I see that loan flower spring up in the most unlikely of places it reassures me  that God is in all things.

Being Lost in Your Own Mind…


Yet again I have not been very active on my blog. Follow through is obviously a habit you have to develop. I am still working on mine.

I find myself these days in a very subdued mood. I am lost in my own my own mind.  As I write that phrase being ” lost in my mind” a song comes to mind. It’s by a group called The Head and the Heart aptly titled ” Lost in my mind”. That’s exactly what I have been doing. If you see a pattern with me associating everything in my life with certain pieces of music , well that’s me. Music may it be Christian or secular moves shapes and speaks to us on so many levels. In my life I have found strength through music, reflection, inspiration, joy and sorrow. Every aspect of my life can be tied to music. No, I am not a musician just a music lover.

Back to being lost. When we find ourselves deeply involved in our own thoughts are we truly lost?  Sometimes I think yes and sometimes I think being buried deep in your own thoughts can be a way to find the path out of the mazes we build in our own lives. Our society is faced paced and impatient. Rapid computers, Iphones, Ipads, high speed internet, express check out lanes, fast food. You know what I am talking about. We have set ourselves up for dissatisfaction with all this instant gratification. So sometimes we get lost. Our paths are not clear.

We end up confused and overwhelmed. Slowing down and pressing the pause button on life so to speak can help a confused mind find clarity. Slowing down is hard for me. I turn around twice and a month has flown by and I get overwhelmed with the woulda, could ya, should ya’s.

Funny I beat myself up for not doing more but I never reprimand myself for not sitting and just be with myself for a while. Let myself get lost in my own mind. Not tv, computers, radios just me sitting or laying down thinking.

As I have been doing a lot of sitting and thinking my thoughts are with people around me. I know what is wrong and broken in my own life and I visit those issues often, but lately others around me have their own set of of issues they are dealing with. My mind has been with them. I guess you can say I have a ” quiet concern.”

I will continue my quiet reflections and prayers. Maybe being lost in your mind isn’t a bad thing but a step back to sanity and reason. It has been said , to know one’s self is to love one’s self. I may have the quote mixed up a bit but the meaning is clear. The ability to be satisfied and comfortable with who you are  is something we all should strive for.  It’s when we can sit and just be still that God’s voice is the clearest.

 

Urgent Prayers Needed


The standoff in Alabama has me sad and heart sick. I fear for the child’s safety. Please say a prayer for this young man. A 5 year old should not have to be put through such terror.  I pray that the innocent child is set free, unharmed. Please pass this on and let’s begin a circle of prayer for the child. I have a news link at the bottom if you are unaware of the situation.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2013/01/31/neighbors-ala-man-suspected-holding-child-in-standoff-say-was-violent/

Thank You for Your Footprint


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People come and go from our lives. It’s those people who shape us, mold us and help us to define our selves. Some are good influences and some are bad or indifferent.  Positive or negative their footprint is forever etched in our souls.

I want to thank those people in my life that have shown me love and kindness because in that they taught me to love others more then myself.  I want to thank those who have used my kindness for there own purposes because they taught me to be wary.  I want to thank those who have come to my aid both emotionally and physically for they have taught me the satisfaction of serving others. I want to thank those who have lied to me because they have taught me to seek truth in all things. I want to thank those in my life who have sold me short because they only made me more determined to show them they are wrong.  I want to thank those who have touched my heart on any level because it reassures me I am capable of love and empathy.  I want to thank those who have hurt me because in the end I came out stronger then before.

To all of you I pray God touches your lives and continues to bless you. I love you all.

“There’s a hallway in my heart and mind and I walk there from time to time. Revisiting footprints etched deep in my soul. Some of the memories are brief. Filled with love , sorrow and grief. Others linger on.  I find myself thinking back to the point of losing track of the things I am grateful for in my life. I thank all who have walked the halls in my heart and may a tiny little part of my love remain with you today. This you may not know, but it’s your influence that’s helped me grow into the woman I am today. ”

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.   Romans 13:8