It’s Wednesday. I am having one of my more manic days.I get frustrated when it feelslike I take two steps forward and then three steps back. Somethings are out of our control. Lifting them up for God seems relatively easy in theory but in practice it’s hard. Why is that? It’s hard to admit when things are out of your control and you need help. It’s easier to shoulder all of your anxieties, fears, frustrations all on your own. It’s what most of us do. If you are like me then you can be a powder keg waiting to explode, With every little stress and burden the powder becomes unstable and ready to explode at any time. Once it gets like that the tiniest sparks can set it off. I have been known to get mad and worked up over stuff and the truth is something else is really at the heart of my anger or sadness.
How do you cope? I am a black belt. An out of shape black belt but still skilled and well taught. I would give anything to train again like I use to train. I coped with life much better then. I miss being able to pound out my worries and frustrations on a heavy bag or in a sparring class. I miss the release it gave me. Yes I can train on my own and I do some but it’s not the same. Finances and a medical condition make it hard to go back.
So much is out of my hands in life. It is eating at me that I have to depend on outside elements for day to day sustenance .By that I am speaking metaphorically. I feel like a caged animal pacing back and forth wanting release even though the cage has been home for quite a while. I do pray to God and he knows my plight and challenges. I want an opportunity to break free of my cage and be free to build my own happy future with God’s guidance, I need this for me. I sit and spin my wheels not knowing where to start. Prayer is all I got, It is hard to be faithful Christian and not get lost in the poor poor me syndrome.
I find it hard to have serenity. I have read and reread this poem/ prayer so many times. It helps sooth the inner pain I tend to put my self through.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.