Finding strength to move forward when stumbling blocks get in your way.

Giving Over Control


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” I think I am going to pass out” is the thought I remember saying in my head. I was sitting at my computer chatting to friends in one of the online communities I frequent when the oddest and scariest sensation comes over me.

While sitting there my head felt very odd and my whole right side of my body went limp. My right eye also got very foggy. It was like looking through a cloud. I instantly knew in my heart what was happening to me. I was also in disbelief. I am a 45 year old non smoker who is only a little bit over weight and I was having a stroke.  Today’s blog may be a personal indulgence. This is the first time I have sat and put it all into words. I feel the need to share this story for my benefit and for those women out there who think ” that could never happen to me.”

I knew intellectually that these are stroke symptoms. The fact it was all going on down my right side sent up a big red flag. I didn’t want to accept that this is serious. I was talking and coherent but I felt faint and weak. My right arm and right leg didn’t feel right and my head had an odd sensation. I sat there thinking I was going to pass out any second. I didn’t end up doing that but I came pretty close. I am thankful I was sitting as it happened or else it could have been worse.

Over the course of an hour or so some of my symptoms began to pass. I talked to family and friends who all said go to ER. I sat there listing all the reasons it wasn’t necessary for me to go to the ER. I kept telling myself that this is passing and no need to be checked out. I got up finally and checked my eyes. The pupils were wide then I checked a few minutes later and I could barely even see the pupil because it was so small. I trained in tae kwon do for most of my twenties and I have received many blows to the head. I had never in all my years seen my eyes look like that before. It terrified me.

All my dumb reasons for not going to ER disappeared in an instant. I began to weep and pray. I believe God was looking out for me that day and talking to me in a way he knew would get my attention to go and seek medical help.

God wasn’t done looking out for me though. As I got to the hospital ( yes I drove myself there…and freaked everyone out) I ran into a lady from my church family. She is a local police officer and was taking information down for an accident report. She asked what was wrong as I was walking into ER. God was looking out for me. As she heard my suspicion as to what was going on she asked ” are you alone? ” I told her yes no one was here with me. She told me” we can’t have you here alone like that. When I get done here I will be right in to be with you till your family can get here.”

I was immediately rushed back to a CT scan and  all I could think of was I didn’t want my kids to be without mother. I was terrified that this was only the beginning and that I may go into a massive stroke and I have no control over  that.My father’s stroke happened after he was in the hospital. He had gone limp and passed out but like me he was coherent. He had a full fledged stroke the next day while in the hospital.He was in his early 70’s though and I was no where near that age.

When the CT was finished I was  wheeled to a room in ER there she was waiting for me. She called the church and asked our associate minister if she could come sit with me. God made sure I had family around to keep me calm.  I have never in my life felt so much grace and love as I did that day. It was there in ER I gave over control to God. For the remainder of my hospital stay I was calm and relaxed, ( except when I had my MRI ). I knew that day no matter what the out come God was with me the whole way.

My diagnosis was I had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) also known as a mini-stroke. If you’d like to know about TIAs I found WebMD to be very helpful. www.webmd.com

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